


My saving grace, you're the only ocean I want to dive in

by SapphoSapphire



Category: Ratched (TV)
Genre: 8 eps and I'm already here able to die for them, Angst, F/F, Fluff, I just need some fics about this ship, It'll may have scenes with some violence but nothing too extreme, Lesbian Relationship, Lots of Angst, Okay bye, Original Characters Included, Smut, Women in Love, i just like to suffer, i love them, i really should stop the tagging, they own my heart, this is not going to follow the series
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:48:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26647036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SapphoSapphire/pseuds/SapphoSapphire
Summary: Mildred never believed in God. No one has ever placed in her soul the true meaning of faith. Nothing in her life made her believe in a superior being with infinite kindness and love for others. All she ever had was abandon. Pain. And very soon she found out the only one she could rely on was herself. She never prayed. For what? To who? But tonight, looking behind the surgery room's door, she prayed.
Relationships: Gwendolyn Briggs/Mildred Ratched
Comments: 13
Kudos: 64





	1. A Talk with God

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is my first work and english is not my native language, so please be kind.  
> I just love these two and needed to write something.  
> Hope you like it!

The moment she has put the blade underneath the napkin, she didn't imagine all the consequences it would bring. Not only for Edmund, but for her too. The moment that Dolly, stupid Dolly, shot Gwendolyn her heart stopped. She is a nurse. Well, a fake one but one thing she knows for sure is hearts don't stop. Only when you die. But hers stopped. For a brief moment she wasn't able to bring the air to her lungs.  
For her the world got a little blurred and went into slow motion. The sight of Gwendolyn falling gave her the strength to take control over her body again. And so, she runs. She runs not only for Gwendolyn's life, but for hers too. Whatever that may mean. She holds her for dear life and presses the wound as much as she can. Trying to be strong, she looks inside the woman's eyes. Those eyes. Eyes of an angel. Is that what Gwen is? An angel that came to save her?  
Through the pain, she smiles. And even though her hand is covered by her blood, Mildred smiles too, passing some courage to her. Because they both need to believe. Believe they're going to have more. More than this subtle exchange of affection. More time. More to remember. More to live. 

Mildred - Stay with me. Don't close your eyes. Stay with me Gwen, please. 

Gwen smiles more and Mildred asks herself how someone who has just been shot can seem so angelic. 

Gwendolyn - Gwen. - Her voice is so weak, the nurse wants to cry. - I like that. 

Mildred laughs through the tears that had escaped without permission. This is the power Gwen has over her. She can't explain, but she feels it with true intensity. As if everything inside her has awakened. As if Gwendolyn has entered the house she built around her heart and opened all the curtains and windows, bringing nothing but light in places she didn't even know of. 

Mildred - Yes, that's right. Keep talking, stay with me. - She passes her thumb over her face, not resisting the urge of touching her, holding her like this: warm, alive. Then she gains a tougher expression, her usual facade to the world. - Don't you dare to close your eyes. 

Gwendolyn - Is that an order? 

Mildred - Yes, yes, it is. 

Finally, the doctors came and took Gwen and Mildred stayed with only the memory of her warmth and scent to comfort her.  
Mildred never believed in God. No one has ever placed in her soul the true meaning of faith. Nothing in her life made her believe in a superior being with infinite kindness and love for others. All she ever had was abandon. Pain. And very soon she found out the only one she could rely on was herself. She never prayed. For what? To who?  
But tonight, looking behind the surgery room's door, she prayed. She prayed not caring if anyone was listening. She needed to have faith. She couldn't bear the thought of losing Gwendolyn. Not when they had so much to say. Not when Mildred didn't even tell her who she truly was. No, she refuses to accept that. Gwen is strong. She is brave, like she was when she confronted Dolly. She saw the look in the intern nurse's eyes. She would shoot her too if Edmund hadn't drawn her away. What was the plan? What were they going to do? Probably they didn't have one. That doesn't matter now.  
Everything she wants now is for Gwen to resist. She never begged in her life. She didn't even ask. There's always a first time, though. So, in this night, this night that was supposed to be of celebration, of party that ended up in tragedy, she begged for the bottom of her heart if someone has the power to save Gwendolyn to do it. She realizes her life is pretty much that: a supposition that always ends up in tragedy.  
She just hopes Gwendolyn is the exception in that pattern.


	2. Ocean eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The harsh sound of curtains being moved wakes Mildred to the reality again. Her heart is pounding with unprecedent promptness, contrary of hours ago when she couldn’t really tell if she was still alive. She didn’t know someone could ask the same thing so many times, but she did. She was in the war, she sliced legs and arms of soldiers like it was bread or cheese, witnessed the worst kind of horrors. But seeing the doctors and nurses with Gwen’s blood in their hands made her stomach twist into knots and for the first time in her life she felt like passing out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I just started to write frenetically out of nowhere about these two. Let's enjoy the inspiration for the time being 'cause something tells me it's not going to last long. Hope you like this chapter ;)

The harsh sound of curtains being moved wakes Mildred to the reality again. Her heart is pounding with unprecedent promptness, contrary of hours ago when she couldn’t really tell if she was still alive. She didn’t know someone could ask the same thing so many times, but she did. She was in the war, she sliced legs and arms of soldiers like it was bread or cheese, witnessed the worst kind of horrors. But seeing the doctors and nurses with Gwen’s blood in their hands made her stomach twist into knots and for the first time in her life she felt like passing out. Then, she felt a hand in her shoulder. Turning around she finds Betsy, more recomposed, looking at her, although she doesn’t have the usual hostility she always has when she is talking to her or is just observing her actions. Is that…worry? Is that the feeling she sees in the ex-head nurse’s eyes? 

She can’t royally tell. It’s been so long since someone has look at her with concern, with care. Except Gwendolyn. But that’s another story. Betsy smiles slightly, trying to give her some assurance. Mildred just wants to cry. When did she get so sensitive? She doesn’t shed a tear, though. She has survived too much, she’s going to be strong for both Gwendolyn and her. She returns the smile and puts her hand in Betsy’s. It surprises her the fact that she’s not disrupted with the touch. One doctor comes out. His expression reveals all the exhaustion he feels. As someone who has devoted most of her life to others, she can relate to that. Just when she moves to get closer to the man, she feels the ache in her legs for staying up so long in the same position.

Mildred – How is she?

The doctor sighs. Mildred’s heart skips a beat. Sighs are never good in this kind of situation. She promises to herself that if her prayers were heard, she is going to light up a candle in a church. Her past self would be shocked to see her now, so desperate for someone, displaying such emotion for a woman she met days ago. Yeah, whatever. She couldn’t care less. 

Doctor – Well, she is stable. We don’t know yet if there going to be any sequels, but I believe with the right treatment, she’ll be fine.

The nurse smiles while some tears run down her face. Gwen is alive. She is going to be okay. She wants to laugh because maybe, just maybe she was really praying to someone, and that someone heard her. The doctor smiles softly at her reaction. His eyes carry a certain gentleness that makes her remind of someone of her past. Someone very dear to her.

Doctor – She is going to be transferred to a room in a few minutes. Are you going to stay?

Mildred – Yes. 

Doctor – She probably won't wake up until tomorrow, but if she has any kind of reaction tonight, please let me know immediately.

Mildred – Of course, Doctor…?

Doctor – Sullivan. James Sullivan.

Mildred – Alright. If something happens, I’ll warn you Dr. Sullivan.

Throwing one last smile, the man enters the surgery room again to rearrange the last details of Gwen’s transference. For the first time in the night, Mildred can finally breathe. She looks at her dress and hands covered in dry blood and decides that it’s a good time to wash her hands and maybe have a change of clothes. Since the motel is 15 minutes away from the hospital, she decides to go change to something more comfortable. 

The drive helps her to ease a little, she has to admit. The fresh wind of the night blended with the smell of the sea let her relax. Closing the car’s door, she contemplates the horizon beyond her. The immense ocean extending further than what she can see takes her breath away. It reminds her of Gwen’s eyes. She can't unravel the deep secrets of the ocean in front of her, but she may try to decipher the feelings inside those crystalline orbs.   
With revigorated conviction, she promises herself that is what she's going to do. Because if she’s being honest with herself, Gwendolyn’s eyes are the only ocean she wants to dive in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment to let me know your opinion ;)  
> See you soon ❤️️


	3. Like a child who wants a candy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She smiles back at the woman in front of her and for some time they’re just like that in silence, diving into each other’s gaze. That, as little as it is, it’s enough. It’s enough to enlighten Mildred’s thoughts. It’s enough for her to know that she will never let anybody hurt Gwendolyn ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am again! Hope you like this one. I wasn't very inspired today but I wanted to write so...

It’s very early when she wakes up in Gwendolyn’s room. The first thing she feels after the rays of sun blinding her eyes, is a terrible neck pain for the bad position she fell asleep and of course, the fact she slept on a chair hasn’t helped much either.  
She looks at the blonde laying in the bed and her appearance is a mix of angelical and pained. She’s intubated and Mildred feels a bit anxious for knowing if it weren’t for those machines, maybe the worst could happen. Sitting up, she straightens her posture and tries to relax her muscles a little. Exhaling deeply, she approaches Gwen’s bed to check if everything is okay. Holding her hand, she feels the warmth of her body and the nurse just wants to keep the feeling in her heart forever.

Mildred – I was so scared. – She looks at the woman in front of her, unaware of her presence and reflects if it’s a good idea to open up herself right now. Well, she’s sleeping, so what harm can it do? Feeling more braver, she proceeds. – I hadn’t felt afraid for a long time, you know. But seeing you there, losing your senses, your blood running away with your life… - She needs to stop herself for a moment to clean her tears. – I really care for you, Gwendolyn.

Admitting that to herself, saying it loud and clear carries an unexpected weight. It relieves her heart in a strange way as ripping a bandage. It’s been a long time since she has been this honest, this sincere with her emotions. But at least this, this simple phrase, is completely true. Honestly, it’s the truest thing in her. Suddenly her hand is squeezed. Her heart races being behold by a pair of ocean eyes. 

Gwendolyn – Hi. – Her voice is raspy but still possesses the same sweet tone she usually has. 

Her eyes are really tired and Mildred can tell she’s fighting to keep herself awake. Smiling softly, she squeezes her hand back.

Mildred – Hi there. How are you feeling?

Gwen is smiling at her and Mildred asks herself how on earth she crossed paths with such a pure soul. She has been through so much heartache and has been damaged in maybe irreparable ways. How can someone like her take care of Gwendolyn? How can she surpass all the difficulties and prejudice inside her? 

Gwendolyn – Are you alright?

Mildred wants to laugh, because Gwen almost died yesterday and still the first thing she asks is if she is okay. The priority to the woman is knowing how she feels, even after all she put her through. A stubborn tear escapes from the nurse’s eyes. 

Mildred – Yes. I’m just relieved.

Gwen frowns her brows.

Gwen – Relieved?

Mildred – That you are here…alive.

Gwendolyn smiles openly and again Mildred feels her heart invaded with all of her light. They’re still holding hands and Mildred tries to remember when was the last time she felt this kind of connection with someone. Never. Not even with Edmund, who clearly doesn’t love her as much as she loves him. Or loved? She doesn’t know, it’s all so confusing in her heart now. Looking inside the blonde’s eyes makes her feel at ease, though. She smiles back at the woman in front of her and for some time they’re just like that in silence, diving into each other’s gaze. That, as little as it is, it’s enough. It’s enough to enlighten Mildred’s thoughts. It’s enough for her to know that she will never let anybody hurt Gwendolyn ever again. Even if they don’t work things out, she will protect her. That’s what she most good at: protecting the others. Because she knows how it feels to be defenseless, without anyone by your side. And she won’t let that happen to Gwen. Not under her watch.

Mildred – Well, I need to call the doctor to check on you.

But just when she’s about to stand up, Gwen reaches for her hand and looks at her like a child who wants a candy. Mildred’s heart, indifferent to any gesture or look for so long, melts. The feeling is slow and it limbers up her interior. It’s a new sensation.

Gwendolyn – Stay. – Pouting a little, she proceeds. – Please.

The nurse tries to put a disapproving face on, but as a smile starts to appear in her face, she knows it’s a lost battle.

Mildred – You know, I should really call the doctor. What if anything happens?

Content with her small victory, the Governor’s assessor holds her hand again and smirks.

Gwendolyn – Nothing will happen. And besides, if that occurs, I have the best nurse of this hospital in my room. Could I ask for more?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment with your opinion or a suggestion ;)  
> See you soon ❤️


	4. The sun have never looked better or brighter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Opening the door, she is gifted by the sweetest sight of her life: the assessor is sleeping, mouth a bit open and the chest going up and down showing the motion of her breaths. The simplicity of it makes Mildred’s heart ache in a good way. As if it wants more. More of this woman that became so much in so little time. Mildred didn’t know it was possible for a heart to ache in a good way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very short one but I wanted to post something. Hope you like it ;)

Gwen falls asleep 10 minutes after she convinced Mildred to stay with her. When she sees the woman is not going to wake up any time soon, she gets up to change into her uniform, eat breakfast and talk to Dr. Sullivan. That name makes her shiver and have memories: good and bad ones.

Already in her light blue custom, she drinks a cup of coffee accompanied with an éclair. As if he was summoned, Dr. Sullivan appears in the room by the time she’s leaving to go talk to him.

Dr. Sullivan – Good morning, Ms. Ratched.

Mildred smiles politely.

Mildred – I don’t recall of telling you my name.

The doctor returns the smile.

Dr. Sullivan – Everybody knows who the head nurse of this hospital is.

Mildred doesn’t feel great about being the head nurse. It’s not something she truly earned it. She blackmailed Dr. Hanover to get that position, and although she knows it’s wrong, she believed the ends justified everything. Again, everything for Edmund. The taste of his betrayal feels bitter in her throat, with her bile rising and burning it. She decides to pronounce herself before the doctor notices the change in her demeanor.

Mildred – Gwendolyn Briggs has already woken up and seemed okay, but I guess it’s better to do a check up on her to be sure.

The doctor makes himself a coffee. Mildred notices he doesn’t put sugar or cream in it. Plain and pure, like hers.

Dr Sullivan – I have some patients now, but I’ll check on her later surely. How did she seem?

Mildred remembers the radiant glow of the blonde’s eyes. _An absolute angel_ , she wants to say.

Mildred – She seems okay, without any sequel, at least in a first impression.

Dr Sullivan – That’s good. – Sitting in one of the sofas, he sips a bit of his coffee.

The head nurse grabs the tray with Gwen’s breakfast. _Like hell if she’s going to let her alone all day._

Mildred – Well, I’m going to give her the breakfast. See you later, doctor.

Again, the man smiles at her with that peculiar warmth. Mildred’s heart is touched in some odd way. Disregarding the sentiment, she heads to Gwen’s room. It’s a special breakfast and Mildred ignores the voice in the back of her mind telling the reasons behind the special treatment. Opening the door, she is gifted by the sweetest sight of her life: the assessor is sleeping, mouth a bit open and the chest going up and down showing the motion of her breaths. The simplicity of it makes Mildred’s heart ache in a good way. As if it wants more. More of this woman that became so much in so little time. _Mildred didn’t know it was possible for a heart to ache in a good way._

Putting the tray down, she gets closer and for a minute she stays like that, only enjoying the peace of Gwen’s sleeping. Some rays of sun kiss her face, making her skin glow. No one outweighs the other. They complement themselves. None shines more than another. They blend and together gain another intensity. Mildred never liked the sun too much, her favorite season being the autumn. She was always a rainy person. But staying right there, looking at the view of Gwendolyn resting in all of her glory, she understood the sun have never looked better or brighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...who do you think is this Dr.Sullivan?


	5. Clear as the sky, deep as the ocean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Again, they're immersed in each other's gaze, till Gwendolyn's stomach decides to pronounce himself. They both laugh mildly and the nurse reflects if this is what being a child feels like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look who's back, back again...  
> Just a little something to show the story is alive.  
> See you in the end ;)

Even if she doesn't wanna wake up Gwen, Mildred knows she needs to. Touching her forearm gently, she squeezes it lightly.

Mildred - Gwen. Gwen, wake up. - The nickname sounds so natural coming out of her mouth. The blonde moves a little, but doesn't open her eyes. The nurse smiles. Gwen has an innocence Mildred never knew before. Her childhood has been marked for a lot of things, but she never met anyone with Gwendolyn's purity. Her eyes really are a reflex of her soul. Clear as the sky, deep as the ocean. Open, bewildering Mildred with her brutal, _yet so subtle_ honesty.

Again, they're immersed in each other's gaze, till Gwendolyn's stomach decides to pronounce itself. They both laugh mildly and the nurse reflects if this is what being a child feels like.

Mildred - I was going to say I brought your breakfast but your stomach decided to take the first step.

Gwendolyn lowers her gaze with a slight smile in her lips. Mildred finds herself melting again at the sight and scolds herself, _"Jesus Mildred, when did you got so soft?"_

The tray has a croissant, orange juice (she may or may not had been looking everywhere for the oranges just to make it for the other woman because once she told her it was her favourite drink), some strawberries and two cubes of dark chocolat.

Gwendolyn - It looks delicious.

Mildred - I hope you like it.

Gwendolyn - I certainly will.

Mildred hates herself for blushing at such simple statement, though she can't help it.

She sits in the chair that was her "bed" hours ago. Gwen starts to eat and Mildred is glad everything is of her taste.

Mildred - The doctor who operated you is going to come here later to check on you.

The assessor nods while drinking her juice. Mildred doesn't miss the soft humming of approval Gwen does and gets embarrased as if the woman could know all the effort she put in it.

Gwendolyn - Are you going to stay with me?

She asks with such hope, it breaks her heart. No matter how many times her own heart has broken, she never likes the feeling of doing that to someone else.

Mildred - Well, I'm the head nurse, I need to check on everybody. But... - She adds before Gwen's face has the chance to fall. - I will come to lunch with you. Is that okay?

Gwendolyn's face shines again and she is _so_ beautiful it hurts. She smiles and the nurse knows she did the right thing.

Gwendolyn - It's more than okay. Like this breakfast, simply divine. You truly are an angel, Mildred Ratched.

It pains her soul (if she still has one), the adoration in the blonde's eyes, the selfless admiration. _She's closer to being a demon than an angel._

Mildred - I'm no such thing. I'm just doing my job.

Still, Gwen's smile doesn't fade. As if she wants to prove Mildred she's wrong. Like she sees something in her, something she herself can't. Like _she sees more._ The brunette can't help but feel attracted and scared simultaneously. She wonders if that's what falling in love is: always seeing something more in the other and that is what it takes to dive into the unknown even if it's terrifying because you have a hand to hold. And that, _that is amazing._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment or sugestion, that really motivates me more.  
> Now college has started so it's going to be harder to write but I'll do my best (pinky promise)  
> See you soon ❤️

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment ;)  
> See you soon ❤️


End file.
